How to Talk About Religion

The rule is “don’t talk about Religion, money, or politics at the dinner table.” Why? These discussions become really heated and the atmosphere becomes tense. So I will talk here about how to talk about these issues without the consequences.

You have to know the purpose of your “talk”. You can either “discuss” or “argue”. You should argue only if the person is willing—and wanting—to change his mind. So, for example, you would not argue with a fundamentalist Christian—you would not change their mind. “like giving medicine to the dead”.

The key is finding whether you want to discuss or argue. Discussing means you share your opinions with the goal of learning the other person’s point of view. The goal here is not to have your worldview validated, but to learn something. Here, watch out for the trap of turning it into an argument by countering their opinion with which you disagree. So the only response to the other person’s beliefs should be a question clarifying their view (not a challenge). I will argue that discussion also serves the purpose of persuasion without heightening the tension. To argue means to counteract the other person’s statements, or to attack. This includes playing the devil’s advocate.

It is easy to fall into the trap of turning a discussion into an argument, so you have to always be aware of your purpose and keep it in mind with every statement you make. Being more knowledgeable about religion puts you into the position of power, so it is easy to slip into the trap of gaining control of the discussion and countering every statement the other person makes—which builds tension. It’s like ego masturbation, so you’ve got to cut off the discussion, possibly by bringing awareness to what you are doing (arguing). “Hey, I just realized that this is an argument, but I just wanted to discuss the topic”. This statement can serve as a natural transition to talking about the difficulty of keeping the boundary between the two.

You should never argue, even if your goal is to persuade the person. Arguing with your friends is never a good idea. Argument is an attack on the person (I’m doubting if there is ever a reason to argue with friends), which, even if you win, hurt their self-esteem. And you don’t want o hurt your friend’s self-esteem, so if you win the argument, you both loose. The guiding principle should be love, and you should never attack. People are not computers that respond to evidence. People are emotional beings and do not respond to reason. Persuasion should take the form of simply stating your belief, and not arguing about it. So the most effective method to persuade somebody is to simply state your belief—even if they do agree, they have heard you and it will weight in with the other factors on which their belief depends (such as the benefits that come with believing in it). You’ve got to be humble and accept that most of the time—in fact never (how many times have you won an argument?, none, because of self-serving bias)—you will not immediately change somebody’s belief (because of other factors that the person takes into account). To believe you alone should be enough to change somebody’s belief is presumptuous, arrogant, and naïve. Once each of you took a turn stating your beliefs, you should stop and move on to another topic (such as why it is so hard to talk about religion).

You should discuss

In a discussion, you should never tell the person that they are wrong. Say, “I believe that… because of…” And if you find that they are defending themselves, and you are going back and forth, you are arguing, and so you should stop immediately.

The very existence of atheists is an attack on religion. Religion holds a certain worldview (God exists) as true, and atheists deny it (God does not exist). Saying that there is no god to a religious person is like saying that his wife is ugly.